Thursday, September 28, 2017

Placid River

On this placid river
I was lulled to sleep
Half-awake, I wonder
Will I fall in deep?

On this placid river
The slow waves lulled
I open my eyes however
How come my senses were dulled?

On this placid river
I try to steer for shore
Are things as they always were?
Or have I turned a bore?

On this placid river
I frantically tried hard to paddle
How I ended up here, I wonder
Not wanting alone, huddled


When do you say enough is enough?
When do you say I give up?
When do you say I want to move on?
When do you say I want outta here?

Seeing the crossroad ahead
Almost there, but not quite
Looming ahead, like a mirage
You think you see it, but unsure

You just keep on striving
Keep the pace, keep on moving
Sometimes dragging
Yet sometimes skipping

On and on and on
Until you ran out of breath
When you reach that crossroad
The edge of that fork, then decide

Friday, September 15, 2017

A Love Letter

It could have been called
A bad hair day of some sorts
Yet, when you saw me huddled
I felt you just knew what to do

You touched my hair
Tucked it behind my ear
You kissed my cheek
These little things, so sweet

You brought me close
You hugged me tight
You sighed with me;
I'm the luckiest girl alive!

You never left my side
Until you know things are alright
It's these little things that
Makes me love you even more!

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Some days

Some days, there are just some days,
When it feels like you've been to war
Trying to be timid when needed
Yet strong when confronted

Coming out, barely alive,
Thought I won, or have I?
Yet the spirit feels more broken,
Torn to pieces, so it seems

Crawling, wanting to rest
Come, sleep, claim me!
Let this tiredness wash away, wash away!
And let me find tomorrow a fresh, new day

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Home Alone

Home alone
So quiet, so peaceful
It's moments like these
You just void yourself
Restart, take it slow

Ah! What bliss!
Such luxury is only once in a blue moon
Eating my cake with a cup of coffee
The only sound is the boiling
From the rice i'm cooking

Maybe tomorrow it will be the same
Same time, same place
Who knows?
It might only be this moment
And loving this moment

To close one's eyes
And feel the calmness
To breathe in and out
Relaxed, enjoying this
Indeed, such precious moments

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Stars and the buzz

Stars glistening,
These stars in the sky
They glare so bright
Wait! Do they?

They glare, they blur
Distorting the lights
They twist, they stay
Am I just seeing things?

From a distance, I hear a buzz
Slowly increasing; Is it a bee?
Oh I know!
It comes from the stars

But why does it buzz?
A UFO? An alien?
Maybe so, I don't know
I think I'm just drunk

Thursday, August 17, 2017


Drizzle starts to fall
I look up to see,
Heaven, are you crying?

But the little drops
Turned into a downpour,
Drenching me in its coldness

Then without knowing,
I cry with the rain...

Monday, August 14, 2017

Losing Myself

I lost sight with who I am.
It's like knowing a friend for so many years
Only to find out you haven't really known her at all.

What changed?
I don't know.
So amazed to find one's self totally transformed.

Where is the confidence?
Where is the strength?
Where is the drive?
Where are they? Where?!

They have been trampled on.
Shredded. Ripped to pieces.
Cast aside.

Ignored. Abused.
Helpless. Defeated.
Defeated... so defeated...

Groping, trying to find my place again.
Finding the light.
There is a glimmer. It's so faint.
But it's there.

There's still hope.
There is always hope.
At least, I have that.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

My Homesickness Cycle

I have been away from home for two years now. This is, by far, the longest time I have been away. I always made a point to visit my hometown at least once a year. For some reason, being there refreshes me, re-energize me, keeps me rested. I guess it's that feeling of the times when you were a child, where you are kept safe and protected from the harsh realities of life. That's where my parents' love and care renew me.

Due to some documents issue, what used to be a summer vacation trip to Philippines was just a plan thrown out of the window. And it seems like the December trip will become a figment of our imagination. We are so excited for this trip because we'd be celebrating our 10th year anniversary. How often do you get to celebrate your 10 years? We wish to celebrate it among family and close friends. After all, they have been part of our journey.

I was so homesick spring last year. So homesick that I think I fell into some sort of depression. It came to a point that I was blaming Manong he brought us here. Very selfish thoughts. Very selfish reasons. But I guess that's how depression acts on you. It makes you unreasonable. In the end, he reminded me, we both made that decision; that he wouldn't have come here if I haven't agreed. We did pray for this decision, and we did both say we leave it all up to Him. That brought my feet back on the ground.

Then everything was alright. We had Mama and Tita Lola visit us. A Europe trip! A dream come true! Made us wish for more! It was one of the best times of my life. Praise God for such blessings.

And then winter came. Ah, this darkness. It slowly creeps up on you. Makes your heart heavy. Makes you long for brighter days.

And just when the promise of a summer trip to Philippines became a possibility, they said wait a little bit more. The sun gave a lot of promise. Gave a lot of warmth. It was something fun, but a different kind of fun. It wasn't the kind of warmth that I sought for, that I long for. It wasn't home.

At least, we get to enjoy some new places. But then again, when you are thinking of something else, your heart just can't be there. Your thoughts are miles away. This time, though, the homesickness doesn't pierce right through the heart.

And then more waiting, and waiting...

And now longer nights have started. Darkness slowly creeping in. The feel of numbness. Sometimes you'd wonder, is it better to feel this or the homesickness?

I'll be home soon. Just not sure when.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Sun, You're Expensive in this Part of the World!

We recently acquired a new place. The selection process was a bit unusual since it was lottery-based; that is, they put your name on queue and upon your number, you then get to choose the house and lot you prefer. We were number 13, and the lot of our choice was in the middle range, price-wise and area-wise.

During the tenth selection, we were already wondering why that lot hasn't been selected yet. We were really glad we got our area of choice but at the back of our heads came the question, why wasn't it popular?

It's a corner lot. It's a bit bigger compared to the regular lots. It's a bit isolated since it's beside some trees and big rocks.


Two months later, you then slowly realize why. Originally, I thought it was the amount of leaves that come into the backyard, especially during the autumn season. I guess that's also a factor. But more than anything, I guess it's because there's not enough sun at the back porch!

Growing up in a tropical country, sun is something that we take for granted. There is even an advisory that you're only supposed to stay under the sun between sunrise and 8AM and later than 4PM, otherwise, the sun can be harmful to your skin. Almost everyone has an umbrella when going around, or stays under the shade to avoid the sun. It was hard-wired in my system to evade the sun as much as possible.

Coming here, it looked strange to me when someone basks under the sun during lunch time. But then, living here for almost four years, you get into that habit, as well. You really feel the sun's heat during summer and only some days in spring.

You then realize, the sun brings warmth and light physically, mentally and emotionally. There is a certain brightness in your life, a feeling of being alive.

It's funny how we look for shades and clouds in Philippines, but here, we look for the glare of the sun. And now that summer is coming, I'm just looking forward for the sun and the warmth!

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Uncles and Aunties

When I was a kid, I call everyone that is around my parents' age Uncle and Auntie. I'm not sure if this practice is shared among all Filipino cultures, but at least that's how I was brought up.

One normally calls a person Uncle or Auntie, when he is related to your parents - their siblings or cousins. But that address extends to your parents' friends, as well. And for some, they even use that term to address strangers on an informal basis. It's a sign of respect for the elders.

I guess there is always that sense of community among the Filipinos. It's very typical of Filipinos to feel close to someone even if they only met recently. Filipinos use the word "friend" lightly. Acquaintances are friends already.

Ever since I moved to Sweden, I have learned not to treat everyone as friends. It seems here, when you refer someone to as "friend", it means you have shared a lot of private moments and have been through a lot.

But sometimes you just miss that feeling. That feeling of camaraderie, community. The sense of belongingness. I think that's why when Filipinos get together, they tend to be really loud and rowdy, and crazy at times. I just attended that type of get-together so I'm still a little hung up.

Unfortunately, there are always two sides of a coin. There is always that danger of people becoming too familiar, that they tend to intrude on your personal life. And talk about you. And invade your privacy. That "familiarity" sort of gives one the right to do that.

Most of the Swedes are very private. They only talk about safe topic, safe sentiments. They don't openly discuss their relationships or about their emotions. They have that wall that is very hard to penetrate. You'd think you've shared a bond the day before, then the day after, back goes that wall between you.

Seeing those sides of the coin... There is always a good and a bad to each side. It's just a matter of perspective.

Sunday, April 09, 2017

Inga mera selfies, för vi ska ta en groupie

For those of you wondering what the title means - no more selfies, for we shall take a groupie. It's a line from one of entries to a Swedish song festival, entitled Groupie by Viktor and Samir.

It was pretty popular among the young kids since it has a dance tune to it. Both my sons love dancing to it.

This song always come to mind whenever I browse through my Facebook feed. Everday, I just don't fail to see selfies taken with faces up close, and all you see in the picture is the face. Why do you want to document your face? Is there something special to it?

I don't mind people taking solo pictures, especially when it comes to showing off places they've been, or that they've got nice new clothes on, or even have a funny story behind it. It's actually fun to look at these photos. I just wondered, when someone takes a picture of JUST the face, what does one really try to show? Makeup? Or how well-maintained your skin is?

I'm not really a selfie person so I can't really relate to what a selfie means. It's just annoying sometimes to see the same face, day by day, despite different angles and expression on the face. I came close to unfollowing people, but I don't want to do that because I still want to see what they're up to. These are still people of interest to me. After all, that's why we are friends in Facebook.

It just annoys the hell out of me to see those selfies *shrugs*

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

A La La Land Review

Storywise, yeah, it's one of those same old love stories all over again. But the movie is more than that. Great production, loving the musical score, superb actors. No wonder it has garnered a lot of nominations and awards.

The movie was artistically created that it went out of the typical Hollywood film. It gave you a feeling of watching an old movie again, where the background were all just still pictures. At the same time, the movie was set on modern times. It blended both old and new, in that sense.

The musical score gets you through a roller-coaster emotion. It makes you happy, then it makes you sad. And there were moments when it made you sad and happy, all at once. With the setting and music together, it brings on that old movie feel.

More than anything else, it was the actors that brought everything to life. Emma Stone is just amazing. Really charismatic, you just get hooked to her character. Ryan Gosling, on the other hand, depicted very well a guy who has just followed the tides that come his way. Although, I have to admit, this seems a Ryan Gosling typical character for me. Despite me a Ryan Gosling fan, his performance didn't strike me as what can be called awesome. The singing part came as a surprise, though.

Despite the happy tones, the ending scenes emphasized the sense of regret and what-if's. I love the way how they both last looked at each other. It tears your heart apart, but in the end, they let you feel everything's going to be fine. That contrast of emotions put in one scene is what gave the movie the grand finale.

I recommend this movie. It's a 90 for me. I'd say, if you've just broken up, maybe this movie might not be for you.