Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Stars and the buzz

Stars glistening,
These stars in the sky
They glare so bright
Wait! Do they?

They glare, they blur
Distorting the lights
They twist, they stay
Am I just seeing things?

From a distance, I hear a buzz
Slowly increasing; Is it a bee?
Oh I know!
It comes from the stars

But why does it buzz?
A UFO? An alien?
Maybe so, I don't know
I think I'm just drunk

Thursday, August 17, 2017

Rain

Drizzle starts to fall
I look up to see,
Heaven, are you crying?

But the little drops
Turned into a downpour,
Drenching me in its coldness

Then without knowing,
I cry with the rain...

Monday, August 14, 2017

Losing Myself

I lost sight with who I am.
It's like knowing a friend for so many years
Only to find out you haven't really known her at all.

What changed?
I don't know.
So amazed to find one's self totally transformed.

Where is the confidence?
Where is the strength?
Where is the drive?
Where are they? Where?!

They have been trampled on.
Shredded. Ripped to pieces.
Cast aside.

Ignored. Abused.
Helpless. Defeated.
Defeated... so defeated...

Groping, trying to find my place again.
Finding the light.
There is a glimmer. It's so faint.
But it's there.

There's still hope.
There is always hope.
At least, I have that.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

My Homesickness Cycle

I have been away from home for two years now. This is, by far, the longest time I have been away. I always made a point to visit my hometown at least once a year. For some reason, being there refreshes me, re-energize me, keeps me rested. I guess it's that feeling of the times when you were a child, where you are kept safe and protected from the harsh realities of life. That's where my parents' love and care renew me.

Due to some documents issue, what used to be a summer vacation trip to Philippines was just a plan thrown out of the window. And it seems like the December trip will become a figment of our imagination. We are so excited for this trip because we'd be celebrating our 10th year anniversary. How often do you get to celebrate your 10 years? We wish to celebrate it among family and close friends. After all, they have been part of our journey.

I was so homesick spring last year. So homesick that I think I fell into some sort of depression. It came to a point that I was blaming Manong he brought us here. Very selfish thoughts. Very selfish reasons. But I guess that's how depression acts on you. It makes you unreasonable. In the end, he reminded me, we both made that decision; that he wouldn't have come here if I haven't agreed. We did pray for this decision, and we did both say we leave it all up to Him. That brought my feet back on the ground.

Then everything was alright. We had Mama and Tita Lola visit us. A Europe trip! A dream come true! Made us wish for more! It was one of the best times of my life. Praise God for such blessings.

And then winter came. Ah, this darkness. It slowly creeps up on you. Makes your heart heavy. Makes you long for brighter days.

And just when the promise of a summer trip to Philippines became a possibility, they said wait a little bit more. The sun gave a lot of promise. Gave a lot of warmth. It was something fun, but a different kind of fun. It wasn't the kind of warmth that I sought for, that I long for. It wasn't home.

At least, we get to enjoy some new places. But then again, when you are thinking of something else, your heart just can't be there. Your thoughts are miles away. This time, though, the homesickness doesn't pierce right through the heart.

And then more waiting, and waiting...

And now longer nights have started. Darkness slowly creeping in. The feel of numbness. Sometimes you'd wonder, is it better to feel this or the homesickness?

I'll be home soon. Just not sure when.