Friday, May 25, 2018

Wondering

To be able to laugh your worries
To be able to laugh off stress
To be able to raise my head
And feel serene calmness

To be able to talk with light-heartedness
To be open-minded about things
To be free of judgement and criticism
To let go of prejudices

I long, oh how I long
To be free, to be free!
Free from burden and tension
Free from these entanglements of mess

Let's reset, let's start anew
To be able to say, "hi, i'm sweet...
It's nice to meet you.."
Can we have that a go?

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Quicksand

realizations at 4AM
thoughts which wouldn't let one sleep
over-thinking, over-analyzing
brain's going into hyper mode
where to go? what to do? how to begin?
so many factors to consider
my soul went hyperspace jump
yet my physical being still left in place
stuck. still stuck.
feels like the quicksand
stuck and sinking
so how do you get out?
but as advised when in such situations
step back, take small steps back
take things slowly
as said, frantic movements only hurt you
take breaks in between
pushing it might make things worse
it might take hours, days, years!
just always have that vision
to never get suck up

Rising Up

For some reason, the past month has brought a lot of challenges in every aspect of my life. I fell apart emotionally and mentally. Even until now...

It affected not only me but the people I love, as well. I blew it, really blew it. I was angry, tired, hurting, demotivated, struggling. I lash out at the smallest things. At night, I get nightmares, not out of fright but getting angry at someone. I remembered waking up from a vivid dream, screaming, very frustrated. I so wanted to throw a mug at someone, wanting to smash it in the person's face but broke only the handle instead.

I think this was, by far, the most stressful situation I have ever been. It felt like I failed my loved ones, myself and most especially God. I didn't turn to Him for guidance. I didn't know how to ask for His help, blinded by my arrogance and pride.

But He always promises, as in Hebrews 13:5 "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”" He always keep watch over me, sending me guardian angels to open my eyes, to help me hear His words.

Life is a journey - you never stop learning. Just when you have figured things out, it gets shaken up. Not everyone might rise up to the challenge right away. Sometimes you need to fall flat in your face, get bruised up, broken lips, black eyes and all. But eventually, you will push back. Twist, turn, crawl but all the same learn to stand again.

God has a plan. I might have took a wrong turn, but as our loving Heavenly Father always does, He nudges us to the right direction. I still feel lost right now but I leave it up to Him to lead me. As for me, I have to fix myself and trust in His plans for my future.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

The Bird, Ang Bird!

Perched on top of the tree
You cry that piercing cry
Bird, what are you searching?
Your view, it's so really high!

Looking for something?
Or is it a someone?
Tell me, tell me!
I couldn't stand your squawk!

Bird, what is it?
Is it something that hurts?
Let me see, let me see!
Oh, just maybe I can help, you'll see!

Something warm over my shoulder
Is some sort of some sign?
Sadly, I see you fly away
Bye bird, bye!

Wa man kay klaro, bird
Imo man diay ko gi-itihan
Hangad hangad po
Abi ko unsa!

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Sleeping together or apart?

Watching The Crown, the scene where Elizabeth and Philip went to bed...

Manong commented, "Dili sila tapad? (They don't sleep together?)"

I have often wondered about this arrangement. In the Filipino culture, sleeping apart symbolizes that your marriage is going through a rough time, or worse, is falling apart. Sleeping on the same bed means that you're together.

I wonder which countries, or culture, for that matter, practice sleeping apart? What could be their purpose in having this kind of arrangement?

For Filipinos, aside from that symbolism, I think it's also for practical reasons. Most families cannot afford a big space, so they cramp up as much as possible. Filipino families often have extended families together living in one roof. Some, if not most, couldn't even afford their kids to have their own room.

But there can be a benefit as to sleeping apart; that is, if your quarters can accommodate it. If you share a bed with someone, how often is it that you get to sleep straight and without interruption? Admittedly, you get to do your own stuff, at your own time, and at your own pleasure.

For instance, Manong and I have different sleeping schedules. I often sleep early, like maybe 8 or 9PM, then I wake up around 2AM, then sleep again at 4 or 5AM. Whereas for him, he sleeps really late, like 1 or 2AM.

There were times, though, that I want to sleep without interruption, especially when I just had less than 4 hours of sleep the night before. For some reason, and more often than not, when Manong comes to bed, I become aware or at least be half-awake then. The problem then, is that once my senses are awakened, I have trouble sleeping again.

He couldn't sleep well either, when I'm awake in the middle of the night, since I normally turn on the lamp, even when I'm working on my laptop. My eyes couldn't handle unbalanced light.

On the other hand, there were times when Manong, sleeps later than usual. Or, sometimes doesn't sleep at all and stays in the other room to work. This wakes me up, as well. There's a feeling of coldness and emptiness on the bed that bothers me. So I kept on asking him to sleep, so I can sleep, too. I guess I have gotten used so much with him beside me. After all, we have been sleeping on the same bed for a little over 10 years now.

So, what's the benefit of sleeping apart? And who practices it?

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Placid River

On this placid river
I was lulled to sleep
Half-awake, I wonder
Will I fall in deep?

On this placid river
The slow waves lulled
I open my eyes however
How come my senses were dulled?

On this placid river
I try to steer for shore
Are things as they always were?
Or have I turned a bore?

On this placid river
I frantically tried hard to paddle
How I ended up here, I wonder
Not wanting alone, huddled

Crossroads

When do you say enough is enough?
When do you say I give up?
When do you say I want to move on?
When do you say I want outta here?

Seeing the crossroad ahead
Almost there, but not quite
Looming ahead, like a mirage
You think you see it, but unsure

You just keep on striving
Keep the pace, keep on moving
Sometimes dragging
Yet sometimes skipping

On and on and on
Until you ran out of breath
When you reach that crossroad
The edge of that fork, then decide