Pizza, and It's Just Tuesday

We're having pizza for dinner tonight, and it's only Tuesday. I felt like I have exhausted my mommy powers today that I could only prepare for pizza. I was contemplating whether to prepare real food but I forgot to put out the meat to thaw. I was thinking I'll do pasta since there's meatballs but it looks like there isn't enough, and the carrots and mushrooms weren't enough to fill in for the sauce. The fridge looked empty, and I couldn't find anything to cook 😩 

We didn't have time to do proper groceries during the previous week - office trips, practices, weekend matches, and then feeling under the weather. Life happened this past week, and it swung full force after vacation that I felt I just have enough energy left to take care of the minimal household chores, and bond with the family.

There are just some moments in our life when we have to choose to drop lesser priorities to keep our sanity. This is one of the hardest things I learned in life. Up until five years ago, you'd always see me prepare a hot, full meal every morning and evening. I used to prepare eggs, some sausages to go along with it, and cook rice if there's no leftover. As for dinner, it will take me around 1.5 - 2 hours to have dinner ready. I have to do it a bit earlier so we can start eating by 7PM at the latest, since the kids slept at 7.30PM.

In order for me to manage and not let these intervene with my work, I'd get up really early, and then I'd also work after dinner, well into late in the evening, just to feel that I've covered my working hours. This affected my sleep so much, and eventually, my relationship with my family.

And then I fell flat on the ground. I had panic attacks. Whenever I had palpitations, it was so hard to breathe. I'd shout and get angry almost at anything that gave even the slightest of stress. I couldn't sleep. I could only nap. My kids were scared of me, so they tended to stay out of my way. Manong and I lost our spark 💔

At work, I requested to work from home occasionally, since I couldn't handle being in a crowd. I'm forever thankful to my former boss who immediately identified this as a mental health issue, and recommended me to a psychologist. Through those sessions, the psychologist led me to realize my priorities in life. I fixed my habits and routine so that I can be healthy physically, as well as healthy mentally. 

But the humans we are, we tend to fall back to old habits. It really takes a lot of effort to stay clear of the bad, old habits. And oh, the setbacks! Just when I thought I'm out of the woods, another episode happens. There are times that I tend to push it, and think that since I'm better, I can handle it 😅 But what else can I do? I pick myself up, and start all over again.

And just like today, I was so caught up with work, I didn't realize the boys would be back soon from their practices. I only had 30 minutes or so before they come home. I had to make a hard decision 😁 Should I hurry and start making dinner, or should I just shower and let the warm water wash away the pressures of the day? So that's why we ended up having pizza for dinner today.