Marriage Story

 

Photo taken by Alan Mercado during our 3rd year anniversary renewal of vows at Dakak Resort, Dapitan City.
December 30, 2010. 

So I finally managed to watch the Marriage Story. I've been putting it off for a while. I knew it would break my heart, and I felt I need to watch it when I'm emotionally stronger. And tonight I finally watched it.

Marriage Story depicts so many fallen marriages. Couples started out very much in love but during the course of the marriage, each partner started feeling frustrated, unhappy, and bitter which eventually leads to having all that negative emotions just taking over.

I've witnessed so many marriages falling into this trap of unhappiness. Admittedly, ours did. It's typical of marriages to have its ups and downs. And some just do not know how to fix it, and later calling it quits.

What really helped saved ours was communication (with a lot of prayers). There were so many times in the past that I wanted to give up. And then we would decide to try, and then the cycle went on. For every iteration this happened, we learned something new.

(Sorry, can't help thinking about sprints and retros hahaha! 😂😂😂)

We finally learned to be honest with each other. To really unearth our deepest emotions and to really talk about it. Say it out loud to each other. And to be kind and loving, and understanding and forgiving. It took so much courage, especially coming from a culture where one is expected to bottle up all the negative stuff.

It took courage. It still takes courage. But it has to be said, otherwise it will be like poison spreading all that negativity within, that eventually all you see is just the negative side of things.

One important thing I learned is that no one can read minds. We can be completely ignorant of the other's feelings. Sometimes we assume our partner is already aware but is just ignoring how we feel. Either way, this paves for a lot of misunderstandings. It is really important to say if you felt offended, ignored, or had been done wrong. 

BUT! Say it kindly and lovingly. This is super hard for me to do but I ask Manong to also understand me if I can't express it lovingly to him. It also helps to cool down before talking about it. So I tried to sort out first how I feel before I talk about it. Do not let hurtful and damaging words pass between you. Apologize.

It is equally important to take time to relearn to love each other. Take small moments together and renew that fire. As simple as hugging while watching TV. Or even holding hands while walking. Taking time to have a date when it meant a walk in the forest, without fancy dinners or fancy get ups. Just raw talk between the two of you. Or do fancy get ups! Especially when you go out celebrate special occasions, or might be no reason but just going out for fun.

I love taking Manong out to fancy dinners because I know how much he appreciates it. And he loves travelling with me because he knows how much I enjoy it. Take the initiative. Take your partner out on a date! I take Manong out on a date.

Express how you feel. BUT at the end of the day, learn how to accept. Acceptance is very crucial. Accept who he is, and accept who I am. Accept that I always nag and gets stressed so easily. Accept that I want things done the way I want it done. Accept that he wants to sleep in during weekends, and acts nonchalant even when the world is turning upside down (or at least, from my perspective, the world has already turned upside down 😅). If your partner changes, well and good. BUT otherwise, do not expect.

For those looking for partners, my advice is to find someone you can talk to for hours and hours. It is what makes that spark. For me, that's what make a relationship sexy.

We're turning 19 years this December. We still have a lifetime ahead of us. I'm excited to see what's up ahead.

Always take time for each other. And when the going gets tough, remember the qualities that made you fall in love. Remember the happy and fun memories together. Remember why you chose to spend your life with him or her.

And for Manong and me, it is really important to have God in our midst. It makes such a huge difference.