Love Each Other

 

After the morning discussion, I felt enraged. I was so angry. I felt rejected, unwanted. I felt unimportant, insignificant. I felt I was cast aside. I had so much emotions in me that I had trouble making conversation. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to get out of the house. I ended up walking for more than 2 hours in the forest.

Just that morning, I started my day with a beautiful prayer (from Lectio 365 morning prayer). 

"Is there someone in my life or a category of people that I define by some lesser measure than the far-reaching arms of God's love?

Jesus, who am I subtly or overtly imagining by a lesser measure than unending grace? I humbly repent and ask for your compassion to wash over my mercilessness."

And then I read Psalm 73

[2] But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. [3] For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

 [21] When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, [22] I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. [23] Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. [24] You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. [25] Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. [26] My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

So I resolved myself to be kind to the people who I struggle to love. This is the perfect time to, once and for all, really forgive and forget, especially since we are wrapping up.

And then the morning's discussion turned south. When the ship is sinking, people just become mean. Every action and decision are just cutthroat motives. To be seen and to make oneself known. And it didn't matter if people are being stepped upon. People are just in survival mode. Fierce competition and disregard for others. Humanity felt thrown out of the window.

With my bottle of water, I stomped out of the house. It felt unfair to my family to bear the brunt of my rage. So before I did that, I left.

All these emotions were just welling up inside me. I felt like crying and I felt like shouting. I was just so angry. All the scenes that took place and all the words said just kept on replaying in my mind over and over again. 

After a while, my attention got diverted. I went through this narrow path and I was so annoyed at the shrubs sticking out, rubbing against my bare legs. Ugh! I was angrily focused on the shrubs, and trying to avoid them.

My neck felt tight from looking down on the path, and so I looked up. I saw the blue sky. I then started hearing the rustling of the leaves. The soft breeze of the air. The humming of the birds. I noticed blueberry shrubs growing around. And how beautiful the moss as it covered the ground around the pine trees. I was in the middle of the forest, and I felt the anger slowly ebbing away.

As I reached home, I said sorry to Manong, hugged him, and then cried. And then ranted about how unfair everything was. And ranted some more.

And before going to bed, I asked the Lord for forgiveness. For giving in into that human frailty, and being tempted to be angry. For not loving the people around me. For failing to forgive them, and being kind to them.

The Lord then whispered these verses from John 15 as I opened my bible app

[9] As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. [10] If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. [11] I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. [12] My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.